Breakthrough: Why Dialogue, Not Discussion

Dialogue and discussion aren’t the same approach, according to the authors of “Crucial Conversations, Tools For Talking When Stakes Are High.” That’s vitally important to you, to prevent disputes, lasting conflicts and crises or to solve them.

This topic was well dissected by Mark Frauenfelder at his newsletter, Book Freak.

He succinctly addresses three points: The focus on dialogue, the attention to safety and moving from talk to action.

This brief will be solely about “dialogue.” I will come back another day soon to write about the importance of “attention to safety.”

Frauenfelder breaks the book into a summary for you. I’m going to do this further and leave you with beneficial insights and recommendations. This is valuable information for all of us to learn, know and regularly keep in mind.

Important Point 1, from Frauenfelder’s encapsulation:

• In dialogue, you listen to fully understand the other person's point of view. In discussion, you listen to find flaws and make counterarguments.

  Reputation Intelligence - Reputation Quality: What was just mentioned is an important distinction of course. That’s obvious.

  What isn’t obvious to most is that the outcome of such a communication behavior interaction is going to be markedly different when we seek to fully understand (not always easy emotionally to want to do) rather than see the flaws of other people’s communication and make counterarguments (I’ve been guilty of this too).

  We have to know our end goal. Yes, sometimes people are incorrect and it may be important to respectfully communicate it yet if the objective is trust, relationship, progress and more of what we want to achieve, then the dialogue mindset and behavior is far more likely to get us there than discussion one.

• Dialogue enlarges and possibly changes your point of view. Discussion defends your current point of view.

  Reputation Intelligence - Reputation Quality: When we’re emotionally hard-headed (again, I’ve been there myself), we aren’t often open to wisely enlarging our point of view and being open to possibly changing it.

  That is being shortsighted, willfully arrogant and recklessly escalating risk of trouble, maybe for others but definitely us.

  There may be times to stand strong and singular minded yet not being open to a wider, deeper interaction and being receptive to seeing an angle we haven’t seen and maturely considered, possibly positively altering our viewpoint, is risky business that can lead to significant problems that prove complex and challenging to manage or resolve.

• In dialogue, you speak to share your perspective. In discussion, you speak to win.

  Reputation Intelligence - Reputation Quality: Communicating to share perspective in a respectful, clear manner is entirely different and far removed from communicating to dominate and win, which is what low-character people are programmed to do and fond of doing.

  Which one do you know to be better for building, keeping or reconstructing trust and a healthy relationship (personal, professional or with strangers)?

  Which helps us navigate difficult interactions and increase the probability of the success and future well-being we desire or need? It’s not speaking to win.

• Dialogue reveals assumptions for reevaluation. Discussion defends assumptions as truth.

  Reputation Intelligence - Reputation Quality: Our assumptions may be correct and they might not be, as much as we want to believe.

  Defending what we don’t know as factual certainty is dangerous to trust, relationship (of any kind) and acts as a block for preventing or solving disputes, conflicts or crisis.

  If we want any hope of other people to be open to reevaluating their assumptions then we have to be willing to be open to humbly doing the same.

• Dialogue creates an environment of discovery and learning. Discussion creates opposition and a debate mindset.

  Reputation Intelligence - Reputation Quality: Discovery and learning makes us smarter and much better able, if we can maturely manage our emotions and feelings, to successfully navigate interactions.

  Communicating in a manner that creates “upset” and thus, hardened opposition and a fighting mentality from others is usually low-level communication and shows a sign of behavioral incompetency.

  To be fair, of course it is also true that we can create and operate in an environment of discovery and learning and still experience from others an opposition and fighting mindset. That does happen. That is their foolish choice.

  Yet that is less likely more often than not if we show we want to listen, converse, discover and learn. Create favorable odds and then play them.

It will take sustained effort to program our minds like computers to operate in a dialogue approach rather than the much more instinctual “discussion” habit.

If we commit to it, continually practice and keep returning to dialogue as our communication norm, we’re going to keep getting better, become more highly skilled and be more respected and trusted and treated like it.

That will make way for frequent, reliable earning of more attractive, helpful outcomes, including in disputes, negatively supercharged conflicts and crises.

Michael Toebe is a reputation consultant, advisor and communications specialist at Reputation Intelligence: Reputation Quality, assisting individuals and organizations with further building reputation as an asset or ethically and responsibly protecting, restoring or reconstructing it.

Contact Michael for reputation services: 316-226-4071 or by using the form below.