Staying Emotionally Balanced in Challenging Experiences

Susie E. Tomenchok

It’s stressful hearing “no” when you are interacting with someone about a need or meaningful “want” for you, someone you are collaborating with or whom you are representing. “No” hits the mind in a powerful emotional and psychological manner, in a way that can knock us off balance.

In most situations, not all of course, we should be able to, with poise, respond expertly. That demands knowledge, practice, social awareness and self awareness.

This is the topic of an excellent, very brief (less than a minute) video posted on LinkedIn by Susie E. Tomenchok, who helps professionals develop a negotiator’s mindset.

I propose to you that it’s more than just business or social issues that require that type of framed thinking. It’s many different types of interactions in our professional and personal life.

Let’s go over the wise, clear, practical counsel of Tomenchok’s, followed by some concise analysis by Reputation Intelligence — Reputation Quality:

“‘No,’ is not, ‘no, never,’ especially in a negotiation,” Tomenchok writes. “We are all going to hear ‘no’ and we should expect that.”

We may never be fully prepared emotionally for that word. It’s a disappointing or frustrating answer but expecting it to be communicated can assist us in preparing for a smarter response that can move the conversation in a direction where “possibility” and success can happen.

The alternative, Tomenchok says, is “when we believe it’s like ‘no, never’ and we just kind of say we’re done (and) we close down opportunities (to achieve objectives).”

You can’t succeed if you stop participating, if a ‘no’ leads you and me to fight or quit. In a dispute, conflict, incident or crisis, this is invaluable and critical to remember: You should expect a struggle and believe you are — with perseverance, patience and skill — capable of overcoming the stress and adversity of “not yet.”

What does Tomenchok recommend in such instances of “no?'“

“When we hear ‘no’ it is so important to lean in with curiosity because going back and forth is what a negotiation (which is a conversation) is all about,” she says.

The requirement here is listening well, staying poised or regaining it and remembering, “It’s about understanding the interests of (everyone),” Tomenchok teaches.

“So having that curiosity around, ‘oh wow, I didn’t expect you to say ‘no’ to that. Can you tell me a little more about that ‘no?’” she recommends.

Notice at this link (part way through the brief video) specifically how she enunciates “no” and her facial expression. It’s not a tone or facial expression showing her to be offended and combative. It’s calm, curious and friendly.

That’s important if you want to increase the odds that other people will provide you insight and respond respectfully and ethically.

“Help me understand your context,” she continued.

Showing curiosity in a sincere, polite manner may help people feel comfortable sharing information. Now, they might be truthful or they might not. It depends on the person, their emotional state, goals, trust with you, character and their style of getting interests met.

Yet you learn more and can succeed more with curiosity rather than shutting down or resorting to aggression.

Their answer to you could possibly provide useful clues about what they really emotionally need from the negotiation (in any relationship context) and how you can satisfy it. It can also allow you to clarify and correct any misunderstandings, uncertainties or fears they express or infer.

“Negotiations are often riddled by bad communication,” Tomenchok stresses. “So even getting clarity can help you know if a ‘no’ is really a ‘no’ to what you (specifically) asked.”

People don’t realize this or if they (every so rarely) do, they forget it: Clumsy or flat-out poor communication, whether vague, one-sided, impatient and aggressive, blocks or ruins mutually successful negotiation. This is never enjoyable and when you badly need a negotiation to work out, in this case for the sake of protecting, improving or rebuilding reputation, knowledge and skill is power.

“No” feels like a setback, permanent and eternal. That’s not always the case. It’s just a stop sign, for now. Don’t believe it is etched in stone.